


the final hours

by asiren (meliorismo)



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6914260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliorismo/pseuds/asiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the space between asleep and awake, alive and dead. the suspension; the moment when you realize that you are totally and irremediably alone. they called it grief, but you called it end.<br/>[red centred; post s03e19]</p>
            </blockquote>





	the final hours

**Author's Note:**

> #lizzyplscomehome2k16
> 
> unrevised work.

**the final hours**

_down by the rivers by the boats,_

_where everybody goes to be alone_

_where you won't see any rising sun_

_down to the river we will run_

riverside, agnes obel.

You weren't there when they put her on the ground. You thought about going, but couldn't see the point; you hold her hand between yours while she died, her face open and lonely and sad and don't really there. You didn't need a funeral to understand that she was gone. You saw it on her eyes, one second before she sleep to never, ever wake up again.

The last thing she said to you was I would love. Love what? When? Where? You can't shake off the _feeling_ that says what she was going to tell you was important and now, now you will never know.

That's why you weren't there when they put her on the ground. Because they _could_ understand what it was like — hold the hand of a woman who you would kill for, who you in fact _killed for_ , and watch her die. Silently. Just one moment, fossilized, when she is there and then not. — but they probably never will. Because your pain is deeper than theirs; is heavier with the height of what if. Of guilt.

Isn't your fault that she is dead, but _is_ your fault that she isn't _alive_. You can understand this, that's for sure, but can the others?

(Ressler absolutely can. You are really sure. If he isn't putting the blame on you right now he certainly will do it in the next few hours. God bless this man).

All your money, and she died on your arms. You aren't blind to the irony. Actually, you can almost appreciate it.

(the truth is, and god forbid: you weren't there when they put her on the ground because you didn't deserved it. you didn't deserved the sympathetic looks and gentle smiles; the I am so sorry for your lost and She was an amazing woman. you couldn't stand that kind of nicety, so you just... run away. you let her be buried away from your eyes, alone once again. and that was all).

When she died, she took with her your soul and heart, and that was fine. You couldn't stand the ideia of living whole when she no longer was in the world anyway.

When she died, you were holding her hand; you kissed her face and wished to die too. You watched the line go still for three minutes after the doctor had already given up; you just couldn't stop.

When she died, you knew, on that very moment, that you would be alone forever.

And when they put her on the ground, you cried on your bed, far away from that place, and wished to wake up.

(but nightmares are always dreams that go wrong, just like life, and sometimes you have to stay dreaming till you die)


End file.
